I don't know how to explain it. Things just change. Suddenly I can't watch Radio. I tried. Just couldn't. All I kept thinking was if that were my son...Well, there would be some football players who'd learn the meaning of not messing with a Mama bear. Run? Those boys wouldn't be able to run when I was done with them. And then I shut it off. Forget it. I can't watch it. I can't. Never mind I've seen it before. The meaning has changed. The perspective has changed. Social outrage has turned itself inside out and become personal outrage. I don't need that much emotion from a movie. I don't need to watch my personal fears acted out on the screen in front of me.
When did that happen? Was it during those days while we were waiting for that first EEG? I held my infant son and worried that he would be "delayed." Stupid word. David got mad at me. He said seizures don't mean he will be "retarded." No they don't. But I knew in my heart. I knew. Did it happen then? Or was it after the EEG and the news that our son had Infantile Spasms? Or maybe it was after months and months of therapies and ever emerging delays reared their ugly heads? He wasn't walking. He wasn't talking. He wasn't crawling even. Slowly he fought, and slowly he learned. Or maybe it was with that first report from school that said he wouldn't be ready for kindergarten? I guess, I'll never know...except that tonight, I couldn't watch Radio.
So what do I do with all of this personal rage? I really haven't a clue. I've been so busy feeling sorry, I haven't allowed myself to feel anger. Anger at the world. Anger at myself. Anger at my spouse. I hate anger. I'm not good with it. I am terrible at confrontations. And well, while I am angry at all these and more...I'm also not angry with them in particular. It's more of a general angry. I need a good long scream. But the kids are sleeping.
You just wrote my fears on paper. My daughter hasn't be "officially" diagnosed yet but it's coming. She has mild Asperger's. She has a hard time with new people & she's very much a loner. She is quick to learn something but her behavior...I know she probably will not be ready for kindergarten next year. and Maybe she'll even have to go to a special school.
ReplyDeleteBut ya know what?
I can't see the flaw. So what if she's different. It just means when she finds her "someone",I'll know they are amazing. To see her for who she IS and not what she's diagnosed with is a huge thing for someone to do. And I have no doubt in my mind it will happen. She's too amazing NOT to be discovered and loved. But I worry about society. I love all three of my babies with a fierceness that I've never really known. I'm the crazy mom who will yell at random kid #1 at the park,for picking on my kid. It's been known to happen. And I just can't fathom what I will do when she comes home from school,crying,because someone called her a name. Whether it's retard or otherwise. Then I look at her big brothers. Those boys love her as much as I do. And her Daddy is so wrapped around her finger that she twirls him ha ha. So you see. Maybe society won't know just how much love our babies deserve,but we do. And our spouse's do. And their siblings do. And somewhere,someone is raising the kid whose gonna one day,love our babies,as much as we do. As much as their siblings do. As much as society SHOULD! <3