Princess Samantha's wedding and all I have missed...

Suddenly Samantha is 21 years old, and, even more suddenly, she is married.  Gone.  Half her life.  I moved away to find my own life in 2001.  In 2012, the little girl I loved as my own, whose sweet kindergarten gift of a key chain that reads #1 Aunt still holds my keys, who I took to ice skating shows and baseball games, who I had to seek out in the dressing room when her Grannie made her try on a dress she thought was way too girly because she discovered the twirl of that baby doll skirt in the 3 way mirror, who I had stay nights and weekends with me, who I took to mass, who I loved so very much, but who I left behind for the man I was meant to be with, became an adult in the eyes of the law and a wife in the eyes of the world, and I have missed it.

I admit with a grateful heart to feeling jealous that her other aunts prepared her reception meal so beautifully and lovingly.  Oh yes, it's nice.  Wow!  What an amazing gift ladies!  You deserve a ton of praise.  Ah, but I was that aunt, not you.  I was.  And then I was gone.  I am so glad that you are there, and that you are there for our beautiful princess, for truly she is our niece, not mine alone, but I am sure you know exactly how I feel.  I am sure at some point, Samantha was gone with me, when you had wished her with you.  I am so happy that you were there.  So happy you enjoyed her day and blessed her day with your loving care.  And I am so sad I missed it all.

I celebrated Samantha's wedding by watching "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Four Weddings".  And watching my 5 year old destroy the house again.  Paper everywhere.  Laundry everywhere.  Things thrown just to be thrown.  Anger just because.  I love this child with all my heart.  And I make sure he does not hurt himself in his tirades, or his brother.  But I feel helpless to stop them.  And I know had we had the funds and the time to attend Samantha's wedding, I would have spent the entire time chasing Jimmie...or David would and then he would be mad that I didn't chase Jimmie enough.  Life is very isolating when your child is in destructive mode and you don't know how to fix it.

Tomorrow he has an appointment for a neuropsych evaluation.  God I hope we get some answers.  I really want to enjoy my sister's wedding in April.